when it rains, it pours.
why does anyone trust people? because you love them. because you want the best for them. because you assume that they share those same feelings. but then, you get screwed over and lose money. money you were saving for that honeymoon, or those new clothes you both need so badly, or for the dresses for the girls that don’t spend their money on drugs. and…you realize you’ve been taken for a run around again. and you just keep asking yourself how many more tests you have to go through. how many more times you have to keep standing through the storm. when is it going to end? I just want to give up, you know? I want to say “forget you God, you haven’t done one thing for me.” but I remember all the times he was there, all the times he did pull me through. I’m overcome with peace that, though it was 100 dollars, it could be worse. we could be them, where they stand, at the furtherest possible stretch from you with no intention of turning around. I’m overcome with a desire to pray for them, though they’ve hut and set us back. And I will pray. I will keep my head up that this is going to turn around for us and is all for Your glory.
but I won’t trust again. forgive? sounds good. forget? I don’t think I should.
things are better from the last time I wrote. though I still feel this strong opression over me that I can’t shake. I’ve been dealing with so many things these past few weeks. I haven’t seen my best friend enough, he hasn’t been there to help take this away. though I know that’s not his fault, we’re just busy.
it’s just hard. I’m trying my best to deal with this situation we find our selves dealing with quite often, but I find the easiest way to deal with it is anger. that’s not fair to him. but I can’t help it. I don’t understand why people don’t try and help themselves. why things are just always expected. why kids owe parents somehow because they raised them. I’m trying. I’ve been praying about it for quite awhile, that God would give me his heart and his eyes.
right now, I think things are looking up. however, last time I thought things were changing and it just happened that I didn’t know all the things that were truly being asked. I want things to turn around. I hate seeing him like this. I hate that he doesn’t see how this can hurt him, or hurt us. I hate feeling complete fear that the history of my life is going to repeat itself. my parents ended because of my dad’s family, because he walked away from us, wasn’t man enough to pick us. and ever since then I’ve never been good enough for him, not once in my life. that plays the biggest part in my feelings in my situation with my fiance. I’m scared. I’ve never seen anything more than someone who walks away, and how families can destroy relationships. I want to see different, to believe.
I guess I myself still have very many things I personally need to work on.
I don’t have the strength to stand.
These past couple weeks have been the hardest I have faced. Times before, it was in ways my own fault and I just picked myself and learned from my mistakes. But this time… it’s personal attacks for no reason. None that I can find or understand. I’m broken down daily by people I once thought were close. I’m attacked because I “hurt” people by only following what I believe is God’s will for my life. I keep telling myself it’s better this way because I can handle it and our kids can’t. But then other things started breaking me down. A friend…who isn’t a friend now, who doesn’t want anything to do with us it seems. Who drinks and stays away and spends all the time with anyone but us. A man who tries his hardest to make me feel down about my educational decisions. And today… a future that just became clear. A future to end up like my mother. Not that there is anything wrong with my mom, because she is the strongest woman I’ve ever met. But she’s alone. She’s only had me. My father left her because he loved himself more. Because his family tore them apart. I’m lost. I’m filled with fear. Is love enough? Is love enough to push forward with the one thing I promised myself I’d never let happen dangling in front of my face? I love him more than words can say. Sometimes I think if we just run away everything would be better. If we went somewhere to start over. But then we leave so much behind. And that’s not my dream. He is my dream, to stay here and have a family, OUR FAMILY, because WE are a family now…but it keeps getting cluttered with fear and doubt. I keep praying…I keep praying that God will pull me from this spot. When I’m at my church…when I’m with the youth, I feel encouraged. I feel strong. I just pray God will show me his will…God will help us through this trying time, because I don’t honestly think I in myself have the strength to stand anymore. So on my knees I will go before God. For it’s on your knees you truly learn to stand.
I’m getting married.
I’m so in love with that boy of mine. he makes everything better. we are going to be just fine. we’re going to get married, we’ve already made the plans. now I need to sit back and be patient and wait to say yes. I’m so excited. he’s my best friend.
thank you God for showing me what is best for my life. for bringing me him. I will never regret anything about our relationship. he makes me the happiest I have ever been. I couldn’t ask for anything more.